Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Passion vs. Friendship Star's Journal of Random Thoughts

Backstory for this entry: Something different, in which my husband says the following:

And yes, before you say anything one of the best friends is my wife. I?m not trying to make the relationship seem less than it is, rather I?m pointing out what I feel is the most important aspect of my relationship with my wife, i.e. that she is my best friend. Yes, yes, I know there are those out there that cry out that a relationship has to have Passion! ? Bluntly put, I would rather have a relationship built 99% on friendship than passion.

I posted what was basically a ?me too? comment, and I?ll admit I mostly did so because I was worried people would look at what he?d said and wonder what I?d think of it. So I told them. I wanted to say more, to expand on the idea, but was having trouble condensing it all into comment form. Eventually I decided I?d better just do my own blog about it.

Why do I think people would raise their eyebrows at the above quote? Because there seems to be this expectation that two people in a romantic relationship will be passionate about it. Strongly passionate. All the time. To some extent, that?s the result of my own overexposure to pop culture, which I realize does not necessarily reflect what most people think in reality, but that?s not all of it. I?m seeing an increasing number of ?inspirational quotes? being posted on Facebook and etc. talking about how passion is an absolute requirement for and the foundation of a good romance, for example. My husband also sometimes tells me about people quietly hinting to him that he shouldn?t spend so much time with his other best friend, who is also female, because it might allegedly jeapordize his marriage. (These concerns are, interestingly, never voiced to me.) The implication is that if he chooses to see a movie or have dinner or go on a trip with another woman, he is insufficiently passionate about his relationship with me ? and also that if I am as passionate about our relationship as I am expected to be, I will find this behaviour upsetting. These are real thoughts being expressed and endorsed by people I know, not just dialog written for dramatic effect onscreen. It?s a bit bewildering to be in a relationship I know is very strong and yet have this pressure coming in from outside to tell us that what we?re defining as ?strength? isn?t. It can?t be. It?s not passionate enough.

Look. Passion is a wonderful thing, certainly. But to me, it?s like cinnamon. It?s delicious and lovely and I know lots of people think there?s no such thing as too much, but? Can you imagine trying to make a healthy, sustaining meal using cinnamon as the primary ingredient? It?s better suited to providing a flavor that brings everything together. Bread made using cinnamon instead of, say, flour would taste horrendous, if we?re all honest. It would be inedible. Bread made the usual way with a cinnamon swirl? Delicious. So it is with passion and a lasting, stable, strong romantic relationship. Sure, a bit of it makes the whole thing more delicious, but it?s possible to overdo it.

It?s important to have passion, I think, but in a long-term relationship it?s equally important to understand that passion is not a constant. I don?t mean ?well, you have to work at it to sustain it, it?s not just automatically there?, although that?s certainly true as well. I mean that it has its seasons and phases, its ups and downs, times when it?s strong and times when it may seem nonexistant. If your relationship is built entirely on passion, what happens when you hit one of those low periods? There?s nothing left. You see everything fading before your eyes, and you think, Well, the fire is gone. It?s over. That?s one very good reason why being best friends is the bedrock of our marriage. When we feel in a bit of a slump romantically, we still have this meaningful connection to fall back upon. It will sustain us far longer and endure far more than pure passion ever could.

There?s also just the pure, pragmatic reality of the situation. Passion takes a lot of energy to maintain. It?s an intense emotional state, and that can be very draining. We?ve both got a lot of other things to think about: work, parenting, housekeeping, cooking, the budget, our own individual interests, grocery shopping, various health concerns ? all kinds of stuff that require energy too. Good, solid friendship becomes the everyday life of our relationship because we can do that even when we?re too exhausted or too busy or too focused on something else to be consumed by passion.

It?s worth noting, too, that anything as intense as passion stands a fair chance of blowing up in your face. I think that the short distance separating one intense emotional state from another often gets glossed over. Passion is capable of turning from love to rage in relatively short order. It?s the risk you run ? and to what do you turn in order to find common ground from which to get back on your feet and continue? Friendship.

I?ve been with Tim a long time now. I believe that we can survive almost anything together, to the point that I can?t think what we couldn?t. I don?t believe that because we?re both passionate about our relationship. I believe it because I believe that the friendship we have built together will hold even when passion and romance inevitably suffer temporary setbacks and failures. I believe it because I?ve seen it happen. If it makes for a subtle, low-key relationship that doesn?t look romantic enough or passionate enough to suit other people?s tastes? That?s their problem. We?re happy with basing our lives together on friendship and turning to passion whenever it happens along.

Source: http://star.qnarf.com/?p=3400

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